LOS ANGELES, Ca. (AP) –
Looks like Kobe Bryant’s quest for a legitimate NBA
Championship ring wasn’t the only thing to come to a screeching halt Thursday
night.
In an emergency midnight press release, plans for the upcoming EA video game Jordan Vs. Kobe have been shelved.
“We can no longer in good faith support this title,” said the release. “We apologize to our fans, the general public, and anyone who believed in the tremendous hype surrounding this game in the first place.”
Basketball fans were clamoring for a Summer game that would’ve matched the Lakers’ current regular-season superstar vs. the Chicago Bulls’ former regular-season and post-season superstar.
This Summer, as it turns out, they’ll have to wait. In line. Behind Batman die-hards, iPhone junkies, and Lakers fans itching for their first post-Shaq championship.
Coming straight from the Source
“We, uh, we have decided that this game is forever shelved,” said Gregory Hipe, VP of development for EA Sports, when reached for comment. “Everyone was signed on to this game. Stewart Scott, Mike Wilbon, Stephen A. Smith. We needed this game to pan out so bad. The NBA, ESPN, EA, all of us. We tried our best. It’s a shame.”
One EA Sports source, speaking under the condition of anonymity, agreed that rumors of the game were never legit, and were in fact the result of a concentrated agenda to push Bryant into the forefront of American sports lore and re-establish the NBA’s legitimacy. The source placed the blame squarely at the feet of the EA VP.
Hipe, according to the source, was “the only reason the Jordan Vs. Kobe game was ever discussed to begin with.”
Looking at the game itself
Jordan Vs. Kobe, meant to reference the popular 1980’s video
game Jordan Vs. Bird (pictured), would have pitted Finals Legend Jordan against
Semi-Finals legend Bryant in a series of one-on-one contests.
The contest were to include slam dunk, 3-point shooting, fade-away jump shooting, clutch shooting, and the ChampionshipQuest, in which each player was put to the ultimate test – NBA Finals performance. Each game was won once the player achieved 21 points.
Players could unlock different versions of each player.
For instance, playing as Jordan, fans could unlock multiple versions of the legendary superstar. Examples included Gold-Chain Jordan®, Playoff Jordan®, Air Jordan®, ’89 Jordan®, Shoulder-Shrug Jordan®, Fadeaway Jordan®, 72-and-10 Jordan®, Finals Jordan®, Flu Jordan®, 4th Quarter Jordan®, Game-Winning Jordan®, I-Won-Three-Titles-With-Luc-Longley-At-Center Jordan®, and Chuck Norris Jordan®.
When playing as Bryant, fans could unlock Regular-Season Kobe®, A-Rod Kobe®, Barry-Bonds Kobe®, Dish-It-To-Shaq Kobe®, Horace Grant Kobe®, Toni Kukoc Kobe®, Dwayne Wade Kobe®, Hotel-Concierge Kobe®, Let-Horry-Shoot-It Kobe®, Demand-Shaq-to-be-Traded Kobe®, Demand-Myself-To-Be-Traded Kobe®, One-Upped-by-Paul-Pierce Kobe®, Blame-It-On-The-Refs Kobe®, and 6-for-19 Kobe®.
Continue reading "EA Sports shelves plans for ‘Jordan Vs. Kobe’ video game" »
Ah, the off-off-season. The time between spring practice and summer practice.
There’s a lull in practice, a lull on campus, and apparently a lull in blogging since I haven’t written an article since the winter solstice of ’06.
So, now comes the time for recruiting talk. And, Friday. Now comes the time for that too. That and a new haircutter. Now that the bitch cut my hair shorter than a free internet porn clip.
Ahem... and so now, on this Friday, the Gump discusses the sore hot-button topic going through every Auburn fan's mind: the deforestation of trailer parks. If by “the deforestation of trailer parks,” you mean “recruiting.”
With Alabama’s #1 recruiting class already greeting each other on campus, Nick Saban and staff look towards the future. In other words, the 2009 recruiting class.
And Gump4Heisman, fresh off a Fun-Dip-binge induced three-week coma, is ready to go with an intensive look into Alabama's 2009 prospects.
In this highly in-depth, comprehensive recruiting breakdown, the Gump will offer a prediction on the incoming class, analysis of key prospects, and a breakdown of some of the classes’ most impact players.
Continue reading "GUMP4HEISMAN: Predicting 'BAMA's '09 Signing Class" »
Gump4Heisman.com
So, there's this Neil McCready email going around. And if true, it's pretty darn interesting.
First, the backstory.
Some of you who don't closely follow the man (evidently a lot of you) may have wondered what was going on when Mobile journalist Neil McCready disappeared from the WNSP Radio show "The Sports Drive," only to show up a few months later writing articles for the Ole Miss Rivals affiliate RebelSports.Net.
Well, he was fired. Canned. Shula'ed.
Interesting.
Because McCready once claimed fired head coach Mike Shula was "the best Alabama can realistically hope for," and described the very thought of Nick Saban-to-Alabama as "Eddie-Murphy-at-his-peak hilarious."
And now McCready, who once aired shows Delirious with the hirings and firings of the SEC and Alabama, was the one getting the Raw deal. What had happened? His condescending criticisms of Life in small-town Alabama couldn't have been sharper had they come straight from the teeth of a Vampire in Brooklyn. Sure, those in places like Beverly Hills Cop an attitude towards small-town life and its limitations. But in Alabama, college football is king. And the pressures of what happens on Saturday Night Live on the shoulders of everyone who makes a living from it. Take McCready for instance. For five years, during the heyday of Alabama's downturn, he was The Golden Child. But things change quickly. When McCready was on top, he mocked the squeaky clean image of Mike Shula, saying the cutthroat SEC was no place for The Distinguished Gentleman. He mocked Alabama's fan base, saying the chances of Saban coming to Alabama were as good as the chances of Fidel Castro Coming to America. Then, 48 Hours later, Saban was Alabama's coach. And, seemingly Another 48 Hours later, McCready's radio career went Boomerang. Right back to where it started. Dead. Faded into black. As dark as the sky over Harlem Nights. Things had indeed come full circle. Less than a year after the employed McCready had mocked the fired Shula, the two men found themselves Trading Places.
by PABLO ALEJANDRO GUTIERREZ JOHNSON
Columbian Drug Lord & Financier of Gump4Heisman.com
Hello beeches.
This is my belong website. Am not writer. Am money man. Am living in Columbia. Am lord of powders. Am selling heroin most every day of week if you like. Am checking emails at heroinpinata@gmail.com. Emails me. My shit will put you in clouds. Is bad for you. Don't say 'Hello' for drugs. Just say maybe. (Last part of writings is shit from cows. Is typed because of lawyer. Is scared of legal rapings. Is leetle beech of man.)
Am not good with writings of English writings. Am not speaking it good. Am not writing it good. Did not exit from vagina into country of Englishes. Am naive Columbian. Am financing writings of comedian with John Lennon haircut. Is not Beatle. Is not 1963. Is need to get fucking haircut.
Am finally convincing lanky comedian to let me punch keyboard. Is very difficult. He is not letting other people punch keyboard for blogging. He is goofy piece of fart. Now is let me. Because finally I pay him. So is my left turn to comment hilarious comments on world of playing with balls.
Holy toilets. Is busy week for sporting of balls. Cannot believe in LSU quarterback was pushed off team. Is very good news. LSU quarterback is one of biggest personal heroin sellers. Is used to make me good money. Is free up for now more sellings of heroin. Fuck the yes's!
Am very much finally having respect for Les Miles. Kicks bad man off team. Makes country of United Americas finally say ‘Good from you Les Miles.’ LSU picture appears better in mirror. Miles grab respect from newspaper cult. I make more money for future heroin dealings. Everybody is 1-0.
By Kevin “White Papa Chocolate” Scarbinksy
(AKA ‘K-Scar’)
Players of bitches. Are you playing bitches? I am. I am White Poppa Chocolate. But you may pronounce me by the also-in-use moniker of K-Scar.
Yes yes you guys.
White Poppa Chocolate is playing bitches like these whores were not in fact bitches but were Playstation 3’s. Check out my suit. It is capable of aviation, yo. It has more buttons than a PS3 controller. It is whiter than bird defecations. Holler.
Do you play bitches like White Poppa Chocolate plays bitches? I imagine you do not.
Yo, to all of my canine mammals, what is occurring with your life at this exact moment in time?
Yes. Yes. Eternal damnation yes. For auto-biography y’all. For auto-biography.
Do you have knowledge of what I am vocalizing?
K-Scar is the man, have knowledge of what I am vocalizing.
Do you have affection for these whores? K-Scar does not. K-Scar does not have affection for these whores.
Yes yes you guys. Yes yes. K-Scar does not have affection for these whores, K-Scar is out of the entrance through which he came.
G’s up, H-I-J-K’s down. Yes yes you guys. Fornicate the bitch-ass alphabet. For auto-biography. Yes yes.
That is the topic I am currently talking about, bitches.
Continue reading "Kevin "White Poppa Chocolate" Scarbinksy: ‘Bama’s draft was whack yo!’" »
by ROGER CLEMENS
SPECIAL to Gump4Heisman.com
Perhaps you know me from such noteworthy events as playing for the Red Sox, playing for the Yankees, or being Roger Clemens.
But I’ve come to you today to talk about something else entirely:
Dumpster pussy.
Don’t knock it until you’ve knocked it.
In all those years of watching me gain weight and throw 102 MPH fastballs, you probably never thought ‘Hey, I bet as soon as this game is over, that fellow there is going to slip his engagement ring into his pocket and penetrate a baggy-eyed coke-slut.’
And my, how wrong you would have been.
You see, all of these years Roger Clemens has been known for Cy Youngs. And a rapidly expanding head. But what you guys haven’t known, is that Roger Clemens bags more dumpster pussy than a homeless Brad Pitt.
Dumpster pussy is not to be confused with Grade-A bush. This is the kind of pussy you scraggle together when you’re truckin-for-a-fuckin at 4 in the morning. When you’re in sleazebag mode, which for me is pretty much a 24-hour-a-day gig.
Dumpster pussy. Cheap, Grade-D, poor-quality, makes you regret it afterwards. It’s like the Taco Bell of poontang.
But, nevertheless, it is so much fun for everyone involved. Including the dumpster.
Continue reading "Roger Clemens: "I Heart Dumpster Pussy"" »





