Gump For Heisman

AUDIO: Tide Commit Antonio Montana sits down with "The Snake"

This offseason, Alabama fans have had little to celebrate outside of recruiting. Still, if it continues at this pace, Nick Saban's recruiting efforts may be all Alabama fans need. On Thursday, the Tide received yet another star commitment for the 2009 class. 

With Auburn plucking commits away from powerhouses like Toledo, Ball State and The Lady Vols, Alabama has seen the recruiting tables turned. Which makes the commitment of 5'9" DB/RB Antonio Montana that much more important.

It was widely thought that Montana, a fiery yet controversial figure, would stay home and play for the Hurricanes. But the 4-star DB shocked everyone and chose Alabama, seemingly out of nowhere. Literally as soon as the news came across the wire that 3rd-string running back/back-up linebacker/cocaine kingpin Jimmy Johns had been taken off the scene, Montana picked up the phone and told Tide coaches he was ready to come to Tuscaloosa.

Well the good news for Tide fans is, the good news didn't take long. Montana's commitment comes at a perfect time for Tide fans wishing to shrug off the recent scandalous events. 

Gump4Heisman was recently able to arrange for Alabama legend and color broadcaster Kenny Stabler - himself no stranger to controversy - to sit down with Montana and talk business.

CLICK HERE FOR THE ROUGHLY 5-MINUTE UN-EDITED AUDIO CLIP (LANGUAGE WARNING):

Download snake_interviews_montana.mp3

NCAA '09 SPECIAL: The Gump4Heisman 'BAMA Cover

Well, you just can't stay ahead of these things.

Following one of the most earth-shattering arrests in college football history, a University of Alabama linebacker was busted for dealing hard drugs. 

Just today, the disturbing rumors that had surrounded Alabama's Jimmy Johns were proven true. He was arrested on several counts for the distribution of cocaine, shocking allegations that confirmed many 'Bama fans' worst fears. 

I'd be a complete hypocrite if I didn't do something on it. And so now, I will. Because if Ryan Perrilloux deserved it, this sure as hell does. (Attn: 'BAMA fans, don't shoot the messenger.)

I bring you 'Bama's All-New NCAA '09 cover...

Alabama Crimson Tide NCAA '09 Cover:

11 Alternate NCAA 09 Covers

The NCAA Football series.

There is nothing in a 20-something year-old college football die-hard's life that can match the unbridled excitement of it. 

Well, actually, there are lots of things. Beer, vagina, re-runs of Family Guy, this picture, Stouffer's French-Bread pizza, vagina, stumbling upon a classic scene from The Godfather while flipping channels, vagina. Still, it's a pretty fun game. And it's different every year.

OK, so no it's not. 

It's the same fucking game every year. 

All they do is update the senior class, shit out a new draft pick on the front, write a bunch of hackish, slogany catch-phrases for the back, let Lee Corso out of his cage, feed him his meds, lock him in a sound studio, wave a shiny microphone in front of his face, and drag Kirk Herbstreit out of a slutty, smells-like-Woodford-Reserve-and-unprotected-sex sorority house dorm room at 9 A.M. to re-dub the same exact "color" comments from the previous year's game.

But it's special. And with its release only weeks away, Gump4Heisman thought "Why settle for what lame-ass EA Sports gives us?" Why settle for the same?

Why not use the cover to reflect what's REALLY going on in college football? Why not use the cover to have a little fun at some schools' expense? Why not use the cover to selfishly make fun of teams and programs I do not like? Why not use the cover to once again over-promote my favorite school? Why not quit rambling and make with the photoshopping already?

I will, thank you.

And sure, there have been other knock-off covers. Fanboys across the nation fill NCAA Football covers with undeserving fan favorites. But this time... this time it's, well, new. And twisted. And funny. And sick. And over-the-top. And a bit profane. And likely to make you question my mental stability.

In other words: it's pure Gump. 

And before you ask, "Are the covers dominated by SEC schools?" I'll ask you this: Is college football?

OK then. 

Enjoy.

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NOTE: These covers are not high-res, but have been scaled to print to size. So, if you want, print one out and use it when you buy NCAA 09. No charge. Only, when your friend asks where you got it from, send him or her my way. Oh, and click on my damn ads. Mainly, the top one. That's how I make money off this deranged web domain. You no make with the clickie, I no make with the bloggie, capiche?

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We begin...

(CLICK THE IMAGE TO SEE IT FULL-SIZE)

6/24/08 UPDATE: In light of recent UA police blotter, here's a link to an all-new 'BAMA cover. Montana style. (And no, I don't mean "Joe.")

Georgia Bulldogs

Mark Richt. The very name brings to mind words like cleanliness, goodiness, neatiness, and Spaghettios. OK, I'll admit that last one comes to mine probably more because, at the moment, I'm hungry like the Duran Duran. 

Auburn Tigers

What's that sound you hear? It's Tommy Tuberville's recruiting machine in, as Snoop Dogg would say, full motherfuckin' effizect. Tuberville, when he isn't in Arkansas shooting spread pellet, is snatching up every spread-worthy, five-foot nothin, 130-lb. Ruettiger he can find. 

Alabama Crimson Tide

Albert. Means. No two words cause Immedi-Cringe™ on the face of an Alabama fan/myself quite like those two. (OK, well maybe 'Bill. Curry.') SO let's say it again. Albert Means. Albert Means. Albert Means. Dammit me. You barner. 

USC Trojans

Ha. And you thought Alabama used to be dishin' the dirt. If it can be done, it can be done and gotten away with at USC. After all, you know what they say, at USC the rules are made to be ignored. Apparently, the NCAA has no problem with this.

EA Sports shelves plans for ‘Jordan Vs. Kobe’ video game

LOS ANGELES, Ca. (AP) –

Looks like Kobe Bryant’s quest for a legitimate NBA Championship ring wasn’t the only thing to come to a screeching halt Thursday night.

In an emergency midnight press release, plans for the upcoming EA video game Jordan Vs. Kobe have been shelved.

“We can no longer in good faith support this title,” said the release. “We apologize to our fans, the general public, and anyone who believed in the tremendous hype surrounding this game in the first place.”

Basketball fans were clamoring for a Summer game that would’ve matched the Lakers’ current regular-season superstar vs. the Chicago Bulls’ former regular-season and post-season superstar.

This Summer, as it turns out, they’ll have to wait. In line. Behind Batman die-hards, iPhone junkies, and Lakers fans itching for their first post-Shaq championship.

 

 

Coming straight from the Source

“We, uh, we have decided that this game is forever shelved,” said Gregory Hipe, VP of development for EA Sports, when reached for comment. “Everyone was signed on to this game. Stewart Scott, Mike Wilbon, Stephen A. Smith. We needed this game to pan out so bad. The NBA, ESPN, EA, all of us. We tried our best. It’s a shame.”

One EA Sports source, speaking under the condition of anonymity, agreed that rumors of the game were never legit, and were in fact the result of a concentrated agenda to push Bryant into the forefront of American sports lore and re-establish the NBA’s legitimacy. The source placed the blame squarely at the feet of the EA VP.

Hipe, according to the source, was “the only reason the Jordan Vs. Kobe game was ever discussed to begin with.”

 

Looking at the game itself

Jordan Vs. Kobe, meant to reference the popular 1980’s video game Jordan Vs. Bird (pictured), would have pitted Finals Legend Jordan against Semi-Finals legend Bryant in a series of one-on-one contests.

 The contest were to include slam dunk, 3-point shooting, fade-away jump shooting, clutch shooting, and the ChampionshipQuest, in which each player was put to the ultimate test – NBA Finals performance. Each game was won once the player achieved 21 points.

Players could unlock different versions of each player.

For instance, playing as Jordan, fans could unlock multiple versions of the legendary superstar. Examples included Gold-Chain Jordan®, Playoff Jordan®, Air Jordan®, ’89 Jordan®, Shoulder-Shrug Jordan®, Fadeaway Jordan®, 72-and-10 Jordan®, Finals Jordan®, Flu Jordan®, 4th Quarter Jordan®, Game-Winning Jordan®, I-Won-Three-Titles-With-Luc-Longley-At-Center Jordan®, and Chuck Norris Jordan®.

When playing as Bryant, fans could unlock Regular-Season Kobe®, A-Rod Kobe®, Barry-Bonds Kobe®, Dish-It-To-Shaq Kobe®, Horace Grant Kobe®, Toni Kukoc Kobe®, Dwayne Wade Kobe®, Hotel-Concierge Kobe®, Let-Horry-Shoot-It Kobe®, Demand-Shaq-to-be-Traded Kobe®, Demand-Myself-To-Be-Traded Kobe®, One-Upped-by-Paul-Pierce Kobe®, Blame-It-On-The-Refs Kobe®, and 6-for-19 Kobe®. 

GUMP4HEISMAN: Predicting 'BAMA's '09 Signing Class

Ah, the off-off-season. The time between spring practice and summer practice.

There’s a lull in practice, a lull on campus, and apparently a lull in blogging since I haven’t written an article since the winter solstice of ’06.

So, now comes the time for recruiting talk. And, Friday. Now comes the time for that too. That and a new haircutter. Now that the bitch cut my hair shorter than a free internet porn clip.

Ahem... and so now, on this Friday, the Gump discusses the sore hot-button topic going through every Auburn fan's mind: the deforestation of trailer parks. If by “the deforestation of trailer parks,” you mean “recruiting.”

With Alabama’s #1 recruiting class already greeting each other on campus, Nick Saban and staff look towards the future. In other words, the 2009 recruiting class.

And Gump4Heisman, fresh off a Fun-Dip-binge induced three-week coma, is ready to go with an intensive look into Alabama's 2009 prospects.

In this highly in-depth, comprehensive recruiting breakdown, the Gump will offer a prediction on the incoming class, analysis of key prospects, and a breakdown of some of the classes’ most impact players.

The 2008 class was full of badasses. The 2009 class? Well, let's take a look...

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"Deep Thoughts" : May Edition

Gump4Heisman.com 

One time I watched the NFL Draft while I was on acid. In the 2nd round, Gargamel from the Smurfs came to the podium and announced that, with the n2 overall pick, the Kansas City Chiefs had selected the Guns N Roses album ‘Appetite for Destruction.’ At the time, it seemed like a pretty good pick. But as soon as I sobered up, I thought “I don’t know, that album is kinda overrated.”

I don’t understand why the NBA Draft has a lottery but the NFL Draft doesn’t. That doesn’t make sense. Why do NBA players have to deal with the immoral trappings of a lottery, but NFL players don’t? Is it because more NBA players are black? That’s racist. That makes me so mad. Man, I hate racism and immigrants.  

The problem with the NFL Draft is that they only describe teams' draft picks in two ways: good, or bad. Isn’t that a little black-and-white for 2008? I say, let’s not be shortsighted. I say, let’s know the real story behind that draft pick. Todd: “Mel, what did you think of that last pick?” Mel: “I think this is a dirty, whorish, potty-mouthed draft pick by the Minnesota Vikings, Todd.”  

I don’t understand why it always takes so long for people who get drafted to sign their contracts. Just write out your name. It’s not that hard. Unless your name is a mathematical equation. Then I can see how it’d be pretty hard. Especially if your name is something like $CdV$_outdt = I_b&tanh;(κ(V_in-V_out)2) .
Boy, that’d be tough, wouldn't it, $H(s)\; =\; \int$₀^∞ e^-st h(t) dt ?

What if they added a new round to the NFL Draft? And instead of choosing players, they could choose weaponry. Every team would get one pick. No trades. That way the guys with the last picks in the round would finally win. Because they could just one-up all the other guys. By the end of the draft, the team with the 32nd pick could go up to the team with the 1st pick, and be like ‘Have fun taking out my M1A2 Abrams Tank with those brass knuckles. Pussy.’

Neil McCready... TRANSLATED

Gump4Heisman.com


So, there's this Neil McCready email going around. And if true, it's pretty darn interesting.

First, the backstory.

Some of you who don't closely follow the man (evidently a lot of you) may have wondered what was going on when Mobile journalist Neil McCready disappeared from the WNSP Radio show "The Sports Drive," only to show up a few months later writing articles for the Ole Miss Rivals affiliate RebelSports.Net.

Well, he was fired. Canned. Shula'ed.

Interesting.

Because McCready once claimed fired head coach Mike Shula was "the best Alabama can realistically hope for," and described the very thought of Nick Saban-to-Alabama as "Eddie-Murphy-at-his-peak hilarious."

 And now McCready, who once aired shows  Delirious with the hirings and firings of the SEC and Alabama, was the one getting the Raw deal. What had happened? His condescending criticisms of Life in small-town Alabama couldn't have been sharper had they come straight from the teeth of a Vampire in Brooklyn. Sure, those in places like Beverly Hills Cop an attitude towards small-town life and its limitations. But in Alabama, college football is king. And the pressures of what happens on Saturday Night Live on the shoulders of everyone who makes a living from it. Take McCready for instance. For five years, during the heyday of Alabama's downturn, he was The Golden Child. But things change quickly. When McCready was on top, he mocked the squeaky clean image of Mike Shula, saying the cutthroat SEC was no place for The Distinguished Gentleman. He mocked Alabama's fan base, saying the chances of Saban coming to Alabama were as good as the chances of Fidel Castro Coming to America. Then, 48 Hours later, Saban was Alabama's coach. And, seemingly Another 48 Hours later, McCready's radio career went Boomerang. Right back to where it started. Dead. Faded into black. As dark as the sky over Harlem Nights. Things had indeed come full circle. Less than a year after the employed McCready had mocked the fired Shula, the two men found themselves Trading Places.

GUMP'S FINANCIER: "Writings Of English Writings on World of Sporting With Balls"

by PABLO ALEJANDRO GUTIERREZ JOHNSON
Columbian Drug Lord & Financier of Gump4Heisman.com

Hello beeches.

This is my belong website. Am not writer. Am money man. Am living in Columbia. Am lord of powders. Am selling heroin most every day of week if you like. Am checking emails at heroinpinata@gmail.com. Emails me. My shit will put you in clouds. Is bad for you. Don't say 'Hello' for drugs. Just say maybe. (Last part of writings is shit from cows. Is typed because of lawyer. Is scared of legal rapings. Is leetle beech of man.)

Am not good with writings of English writings. Am not speaking it good. Am not writing it good. Did not exit from vagina into country of Englishes. Am naive Columbian. Am financing writings of comedian with John Lennon haircut. Is not Beatle. Is not 1963. Is need to get fucking haircut.

Am finally convincing lanky comedian to let me punch keyboard. Is very difficult. He is not letting other people punch keyboard for blogging. He is goofy piece of fart. Now is let me. Because finally I pay him. So is my left turn to comment hilarious comments on world of playing with balls.

Holy toilets. Is busy week for sporting of balls. Cannot believe in LSU quarterback was pushed off team. Is very good news. LSU quarterback is one of biggest personal heroin sellers. Is used to make me good money. Is free up for now more sellings of heroin. Fuck the yes's!

Am very much finally having respect for Les Miles. Kicks bad man off team. Makes country of United Americas finally say ‘Good from you Les Miles.’ LSU picture appears better in mirror. Miles grab respect from newspaper cult. I make more money for future heroin dealings. Everybody is 1-0.

Kevin "White Poppa Chocolate" Scarbinksy: ‘Bama’s draft was whack yo!’

By Kevin “White Papa Chocolate” Scarbinksy
(AKA ‘K-Scar’)

What is happening players?

Players of bitches. Are you playing bitches? I am. I am White Poppa Chocolate. But you may pronounce me by the also-in-use moniker of K-Scar.

Yes yes you guys.

White Poppa Chocolate is playing bitches like these whores were not in fact bitches but were Playstation 3’s. Check out my suit. It is capable of aviation, yo. It has more buttons than a PS3 controller. It is whiter than bird defecations. Holler.

Do you play bitches like White Poppa Chocolate plays bitches? I imagine you do not.

Yo, to all of my canine mammals, what is occurring with your life at this exact moment in time?

Yes. Yes. Eternal damnation yes. For auto-biography y’all. For auto-biography.

Do you have knowledge of what I am vocalizing?

K-Scar is the man, have knowledge of what I am vocalizing.

Do you have affection for these whores? K-Scar does not. K-Scar does not have affection for these whores.

Yes yes you guys. Yes yes. K-Scar does not have affection for these whores, K-Scar is out of the entrance through which he came.

G’s up, H-I-J-K’s down. Yes yes you guys. Fornicate the bitch-ass alphabet. For auto-biography. Yes yes.

That is the topic I am currently talking about, bitches.

Roger Clemens: "I Heart Dumpster Pussy"

by ROGER CLEMENS
SPECIAL to Gump4Heisman.com

Hi folks, I’m Roger Clemens.

Perhaps you know me from such noteworthy events as playing for the Red Sox, playing for the Yankees, or being Roger Clemens.

But I’ve come to you today to talk about something else entirely:

Dumpster pussy.

Don’t knock it until you’ve knocked it.

In all those years of watching me gain weight and throw 102 MPH fastballs, you probably never thought ‘Hey, I bet as soon as this game is over, that fellow there is going to slip his engagement ring into his pocket and penetrate a baggy-eyed coke-slut.’

And my, how wrong you would have been.

You see, all of these years Roger Clemens has been known for Cy Youngs. And a rapidly expanding head. But what you guys haven’t known, is that Roger Clemens bags more dumpster pussy than a homeless Brad Pitt.

Dumpster pussy is not to be confused with Grade-A bush. This is the kind of pussy you scraggle together when you’re truckin-for-a-fuckin at 4 in the morning. When you’re in sleazebag mode, which for me is pretty much a 24-hour-a-day gig.

Dumpster pussy. Cheap, Grade-D, poor-quality, makes you regret it afterwards. It’s like the Taco Bell of poontang.

But, nevertheless, it is so much fun for everyone involved. Including the dumpster.