Gump For Heisman

The Return of "Ask The College Football Monkey"

At long last, your favorite aviator-wearing, profane-waxing, simile-spitting college football monkey is back to answer all your questions about the intercollegiate gridiron. 

Without further ado, I give you the long-awaited return of The College Football Monkey, who will be answering your questions about college football all season long.

------

College Football Monkey,

What do you think of Miami coach Randy Shannon banning the Hurricanes players from Twitter?

 

The College Football Monkey says...

---------------------

Hey College Football Monkey,

Wow. Can you believe Florida WR Chris Rainey's arrest? I've heard of stupid, but texting your ex-girlfriend 'Time to die bitch!' ???

The College Football Monkey says... 

---------------------

College Football Monkey,

What is Les Miles to make of LSU QB Jordan Jefferson going 8-for-20 with an INT against Vandy?

The College Football Monkey says... 

---------------------

 College Football Monkey,

What did you think of Alabama's backup RB Trent Richardson 

shredding the Penn St. D for 144 yards and a TD?

The College Football Monkey says... 

---------------------

College Football Monkey,

How long do you think Joe Pa should keep coaching?

The College Football Monkey says...

The Gump Presents: NEW Alternate Alabama SI Covers

Enjoy.

(Click images to enlarge)

---------

Cover 1

 

Cover 2

 

 

Cover 3

Cover 4

 

Cover 5

 

10 MORE Things to Look Forward to this College Football Season

10) Making fun of rival player arrests as your entire D Line gets 5-10

"Man, can you guys believe that LSU player did a Diamond Dallas Page on his Econ teacher? What a bunch of thugs. I mean, sure, our strong safety roid-rufied a mascot, but I mean... that was bullshit."

Odds are, this sounds like you. Bless our hearts, most college football fans couldn't see the world straight with a team-sponsored leveler. We make fun of each other for doing the things, well, we do. Arkansas calls Mississippi inbred. Oklahoma calls USC cheaters. OJ calls Donte Stallworth a copycat. 

Hey look, it happens. But when it comes to mocking player arrests, tread lightly. It's like running for president when you're a Bush: everybody gets their turn. And yours is right around the corner. So if you aren't careful, you'll end up with Dukakis on your face. 

Besides, are you really that surprised that the guy who's on scholarship because he really likes to hit people really likes to hit people?

If you're in SEC country, heed this rule especially. Put down the stone and say hello to your glass house. 

In the SEC, coaching salaries aren't the only thing out of control. It's like Hank Williams Jr. said. Only this time, all your rowdy friends are on scholarship. 

It works like this: If you laugh at a rival guy for stealing a car, your guy will steal a tank. If you laugh at a rival guy for smoking a joint, your guy will smoke a pedestrian. That's karma, that's how it works. The second you make fun of a rival fullback who stumbles into an underage MIP, your favorite linebacker Lattimers an underage KD.

If you're with a team outside the SEC, you have every right to look down in concern. In fact, you should be concerned about who SEC players are victimizing the worst: You. 

9) Reading about recruits from ridiculously futuristic-sounding years

The next time you log on to Rivals.com, you're going to read about a weakside linebacker from the year 2046. He's visiting your campus the weekend of the next Haley's Comet. 

His first name is Megabot. His last name is a series of decimals. He has offers from USC, Ohio State and the Galactic Empire. And he runs a 3.1 40, because his lower torso is a fucking rocketship.

Of course you feel old. It's natural. As you see the headline '2012 QB loves Trojans' you think "When the fuck were these kids born, W's second term?"

But hey, this is recruiting. Do the groundkeepers at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium prefer it when the official visitor list is potty-trained? Of course they do. Then again, that's not their call. Pretty soon, Urban Meyer and Nick Saban are going to be evaluating talent using stethoscopes in the maternity ward. The future is the future. 

Speaking of the future, what happened to the movie-future? You know, the one we were promised as young impressionable children in the 1980's? Where is my goddam spaceship? "Uh, yes, Microsoft? I'd like one giant robot suit, please. Express Ground." 

Seriously, what in the name of Sigourney Fucking Weaver is going on here? Future my ass. This is more Flintstones than Jetsons. 

According to 1980's movies, you should be reading this article from a goddam space pod hovering above your other space pod in front of your robotic dog while your robotic maid reaches in your lap and rubs one out into a robotic hand towel. 

Instead, you have an iPhone. Yabba dabba do. 

8) Talking lots and lots of man-gossip

The next time you give your wife/girlfriend/fuck buddy a hard time for reading US Weekly, remember that at some point this year, you are going to call your buddy and say something to the effect of: 

"OMG, did you see Mark Barkley's scrimmage stats?"

"Yea, like totally. I can't believe he went 13-21 with 221 yards and 2 TDs. He got like, so hot. Do you think he'll start? I bet he does. He should start, I don't blame him. That Mitch Mustain is no good. I heard bad things about him. Oh wait... this is Russell beeping in. I bet he doesn't know. Let me call you back-"

They have a word for the previous conversation: gossip. Yea, it's man-gossip, and yea it's exagerrated, but come on fellas. Give the ladies come credit. We all do the same shit. 

She's reading about Britney Spears' labia, you're reading about Julio Jones' hernia. What's the difference? 

The time you made fun of her for renting 27 Dresses with the pink DVD case? That was right after that time you rented Rambo 4. Which got a fucking 37% on Rotten Tomatoes.

37%?? My fourth-grade production of The Music Man has a higher Tomatometer than that. 

Yep, we got trouble. Right here in College Station. Because, dudes that love to talk college football, let's face it: when it comes to the hypocritical factor, we are guilty-as-charged. 

P.S. I heard Bryce Brown and Lane Kiffin are like, already thinking about calling it quits. 

7) Being at work and not working

Admit it, you haven't done anything productive in three hours. And no, logging onto espn.com 13 times in 12 minutes to see if the new AP rankings are out yet is not productive.

But honestly, who can blame you? You may be pulling a 9-5, but your team just pulled a 41-17.

OK, so your boss can blame you. But not if he thinks you're working. So make like a celeb-in-public and disguise.

Remember, no one is casting stones here. It's fucking Friday. In 19 hours, your team is about to play the #5 team in the country, at home, in front of a national TV audience and shitloads of friends you cannot wait to hang out with. What does your cubicle have to match the excitement of that? 

The hot office girl?

Face it, she's not even that hot. Yea, she's hot when compared to Steve from IT, but who isn't? Alf is a fucking 10 if we're using Steve from IT as the barometer. If you took hot-office-girl and put her in a bar full of other hot girls, your eye would wander like David Caruso in Kung Fu.

The bottom line is this: jobs are boring, college football is not. So get your work done early in the week, pop open Internet Explorer, hide it behind PowerPoint, put a serious look on your face, and click away my friend.

The Gump Presents: Alternate Tim Tebow SI Covers

Ah, the college football season is finally upon us.

Who should we start by satirizing? Well, in case you haven't heard, Florida has this quarterback guy. Tends to get a few headlines written about him.

Let's write some more.

(NOTE: Click image to enlarge)

Alternate Cover #1:

Alternate Cover #2:

Alternate Cover #3:

Alternate Cover #4:

Alternate Cover #5:

An Auburn Man's Letter to the Delusional Bammer Nation

Dear Bammer Nation,

Well, well, well.

How are we feeling today Mr. Fancy Pants Bammers?

All us Auburn Tigers have heard about the last two years is your fancy-pants new coach, and your fancy-pants new stadium, and your fancy-pants new statues, and your fancy-pants new locker room.

Well, look who went and got fancy this time. 

Auburn.

That's right. In the legs race that is the SEC Recruiting war, Auburn has just taken things to a whole new level. 

Knock, Knock. 

Who's there?

Magnetized limos.

See? We are living high off the hog down here on the plains, what with our magnetic limos and shit. 

What was that Bammer? You are adding onto your stadium again? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. The windows in my magnetic limo were rolled up. 

Do your hear that bammer? That's the sound of us renting limos. 

When my kid turns 16, he ain't getting no Jeep. He's getting a fucking limo. I'll lease the shit outta that thing.

Why? Cause he's an Auburn Tiger. 

That's right Bammers. We. Got. Elongated. Sedans. 

And they're fucking magnetized. 

Deal with it.

Yes bammers, they are like regular sedans. Only longer. And way more badass. Not only do they raise the bar, they come equipped with one. One that is stocked with a virtual army of carbonation. 

We have enough Dr. Thunder to quench the thirsts of every 4-star from here to fucking Ontario. Which is all the way in Arkansas.

Oh, and bammers, just so you know, we drink Dr. Thunder by choice.

There has been an Auburn-wide ban on Dr. Pepper ever since that lousy two-and-a-half hour Bammomerical called Forrest Gump. 

That bammer propaganda comes on HBO all the time. But guess what? We drive limos. We don't care about some retardo fairy tale. Do you think we give a fuck how many Dr. Peppers Forrest GUmp drank at his Bammer black-and-white All-American party? Do you think we care what happened in Forrest Gump? 

Do you think we care how you got Forrest Gump qualified academically even though he was dumber than Eric Ramsey on novocaine? 

Do you think we care how, whenever Forrest Gump wipes his face off, it forms an perfectly fucking symmetrical smiley face? 

Do you think we care how Jenny got AIDs but didn't give it to Forrest Gump even though she snuck in his bedroom and rode his junk cowgirl style and probably gave up the tainted vaj a bunch more upon her triumphant return from coke-whoredom?

No, we don't.

You see, I'm an Auburn Tiger. I don't care about the past. I don't even care about yesterday. I don't even care about this last sentence I just typed. Or this one. Or this one. Or this one. Or this one. Or this one.

Or this one.

I just care about this: We beat you six years in a row.

Now. You bammers might want to know, what else can The Chiz do?

What does he do in his free time, when he's not magnetizing fucking limos?

He magnetizes tanks. And hummers. And sharks. And helicopters. 

Just wait until The Chiz's white magnetized Blue Angel jet planes do a fly-by over your precious Bahr-Denny Stadium (in which Auburn is undefeated dating back to Paul Revere's 44th birthday and not counting games played on November 30, 2008.)

What is going to happen then?

I'll tell you what's going to happen. You're going to get fucked like Halle Berry in Monster's Ball, which is an 8 year-old movie that I just referenced. 

Just wait until The Chiz figures out how to put car magnets on submarines. 

What is going to happen then? 

He will submerge his vessel and fly his Auburn Tiger flags like an underwater pirate. Wahhhrrr Eagle. All the marine life will piss their fucking pants. In sheer Auburn Tiger amazement. 

Tell me this bammers. Do you smell what The Chiz is cooking?

Just wait. The Chiz will use this tactic to recruit nationally.

Next, The Chiz will film a recruiting movie on his white magnetic submarine starring Denzel Washington. It will be much, much better than that shitty movie Crimson Tide. 

It will be called Auburn Tigers. That is a great title for a movie that takes place in an ocean. Sure, it doesn't have a double-meaning that's also an ocean reference, but so what? Ocean references are for bammers. 

Auburn Tigers will have references to Auburn Football throughout the entire movie. Bo Jackson will play the role of a submarine commander who runs a 4.1 40. And swims a 4.1 40. It will be way better than Crimson Tide, because there will only be Auburn references in it. 

There will not will be any gay bammer shit like Gene Hackman having a dog named "Bear" or Tony Soprano and a bunch of soldiers shouting "Go Bama! Roll Tide!" on the middle of a battleship.

Instead, Gene Hackman's dog's name will be "Fuck Nick Saban," and Paulie Walnuts will appear in random scenes to say things like "Fuck Bama! War Eagle!"

Also, in the film, Denzel Washington, Gene Hackman and The Chiz will wrestle for control of a white submarine adorned in Auburn magnets. At the end, The Chiz will face Gene Hackman in a dramatic Gene-Off, at which point The Chiz will authenticate the fuck out of everyone and retake control of the vessel. 

Then, The Chiz will re-emerge his submarine on the surface of the Mobile Bay, pop out of it, and wave to a crowd of five-star recruits, who will all commit to Auburn on the spot. 

The final scene will be a montage scene of five-stars signing with Auburn and The Chiz climbing various mountains, all set to the song "You're the Best" from The Karate Kid. 

There will be 8 deleted scenes on the Special Edition "Auburn Tigers" Unrated Edition: The Chiz Is On The Prowl Edition: DVD Edition DVD. Seven of them will be of Nick Saban crying like a bitch because Auburn has signed all his five-stars. The other one will be a montage of The Chiz starting fires in the rain and flexing, which will be set to the song "You're the Best" from The Karate Kid. 

In fact, any time The Chiz appears onscreen, it will be to the song "You're the Best" from The Karate Kid. He will not even have any dialogue in the entire movie. Every scene he is in will be a badass montage of him winning everything and signing five-stars.

It will be the greatest pop-culture moment in Auburn football history. It will be the only movie based off Auburn since that porno version of "Punt, Bama, Punt." Can't think of the name. Believe it started with a 'C.'

All the five-stars will see it opening day, it will gross $204 million opening weekend, and The Auburn Tigers will reign supreme and Bammer will crumble. The world will be restored to the way it has always been from the years 2002-2006. And Auburn fans will rejoice. 

Saban will leave 'Bama for the NBA and Bammer will get put on double-secret probation. Then Auburn's problems, and world hunger, will disappear. 

The Chiz will be honored with the Nobel Peace prize for signing five-stars and ending the recession. And Auburn will bask in the national prominence they're used to enjoying every year that ends in '004.'

And don't forget, you delusional bammers, it all started with a "Tiger Prowl."

Gump4Heisman's "Guerilla-Style Auburn-Coaching-Search Parody"

Guerilla warfare. Hit and run. Strike and hide. Random. Ass. Attack.

That’s the name of the game in today’s Guerilla-Style Auburn Coaching Search Parody.

Some cutting satire in here (and some language), so not for the easily-offended. (But, you wouldn't be here if you were easily-offended, would you?)

The rest of you, ENJOY.

 

Gump4Heisman’s "Official Jay Jacobs X-Ray"

CLICK HERE:

Officially-Licensed Jay Jacobs X-Ray.

 

 

Top 10 teams Gene Chizik has beaten:

 

1) South Dakota State

2) Kansas State

3) Iowa

4) Colorado

5) Kent State

6)

7)

8)

9)

10)

 

 

Gump4Heisman’s #1 Thing That Rhymes with “Chizik”:

“Disaster”

 

 

Officially-Licensed 2008 Auburn Fan Poem:

 

These damn Bammers live in the past,

These last six years, oh what a blast.

They came and went, oh so fast

Is Alabama’s leg still in a cast?

 

I knew that shit wouldn’t last

I can’t believe we’ve been surpassed.

How, how, how did they outlast

Secretaries, coaches, strippers harassed?

 

No more lenses blue-and-orange glassed

Lord Saban’s armies, they have amassed

With recruiting classes way too vast

For my ‘Bama-hatin, Lee County ass.

 

Here is Saban, barely two years have passed

How does one little man = one big contrast?

Every time I watch ‘Bama, I sit there aghast

The role of little brother has just been recast.

 

I can’t even watch, I’m tired and I’m gassed,

I’d like to cancel my service, is this Comcast?

 

 

Three Movies Not in Bobby Lowder’s Netflix Queue

 

1)

 

2) 

 

 

3)

Three Auburn-specific Britney Spears Choruses:

 

“Sabanized, Saban-Sabanized,

You’ve been Sabanized.

Oh, Sabanized, oh

You were Sabanized baby.

 

You, you, you were

You, you, you were

Sabanized, Sabanized,

Sabanized.”

 

----------

 

“I’m a, slaaaaaaaaaaave, for you

Who do you wanna fire, who do you wanna hire?

I’m a, slaaaaaaaaaaave, for you

Just tell me Mr. Lowder, so long as he’s white as powder”

 

----------

 

“Oops, I did it again!

I played up probation, got lost in the streak,

Oh Saban, Saban

Oops! You fit like a glove,

Were you sent from above?

I’m not, that, relevant.”

 

 

 

Gene Chizik’s Top 3 things to eat before a speech:

 

Corn

 

Cheese

 

Wheelbarrows of bullshit

 

 

 

Gump4Heisman presents: 

"Top 3 best-selling hats in Auburn, Ala."

 

#3)

 

#2)

#1)

 

 

People who have a higher career winning percentage than Gene Chizik:

 

Lee Corso

Mike DuBose

Terry Bowden

Mike Shula

Joe Kines

Turner Gill’s wife

Bad guys in PG movies

 

 

Top 2 Most Popular Phrases in Auburn, Ala. :

2) “War Eagle”

1) “Ni__er”

 

 

In Honor of Gene Chizik v. Nick Saban: 

"OTHER TOP MISMATCHES IN HISTORY"

 

John Lithgow v. Sylvester Stallone, Cliffhanger

Just the name says it all. Stallone vs. Lithgow. Rambo vs. Third Rock From The Sun. Over The Top vs. Orange County. Cobra vs. Harry and the Hendersons.

In terms of pure testosterone, and not taking into account movie quality, this one isn’t even close. We’re talking right crosses, not Rotten Tomatoes. And Lithgow’s high-thespian accent reeks of “I had my face beaten in as a kid.” Whereas Stallone’s grumbly, tough guy accent reeks of “I had my face beaten in as an adult.”

Stallone v. Lithgow. This is like Schwarzenegger v. Tim Robbins. Chuck Norris v. Dustin Hoffman. The Rock v. James Franco. The Godfather II v. The Godfather III.

BLOW-OUT.

 

Obi-Wan Kenobi v. Darth Vader II, Star Wars

This was a mismatch not of ability, but of age. By the time these two titans faced off again, Obi-Wan had aged less like a Golden God and more like Goldie Hawn.

Something tells me that if black people exist in the Star Wars universe beyond Lando Calrissian and Jar Jar Binks, they have to get their hair cut. Hence, intergalactic barbershops. Where they probably have arguments like this one:

 

Clarence: You must be out yo goddamn mind! Obi-Wan Kenobi is the greatest Jedi that ever lived. I'll be with you boys in a minute. He was better than Yoda, he was better than the Emperor, and that new dude, what's his name, Luke Skywalker, looks like an SEC frat boy, he was better than him too.

Saul: What about Darth Vader?

Clarence: Oh there they go. There they go, every time I start talkin 'bout Jedi, the Empire got to pull Darth Vader out their ass. That's their one, that's their one. Darth Vader. Darth Vader. Let me tell you something once and for all. Darth Vader was good, but compared to Obi-Wan Kenobi, Darth Vader ain't shit."

Saul: He beat Obi-Wan’s ass!

Sweets: That's right he did whoop Obi-Wan’s ass.

Clarence: Obi-Wan was 137 years old!

 

Ambrose Burnside v. Robert E. Lee, The Battle of Fredericksburg

As if things weren’t bad enough for Ambrose Burnside for having a name like Ambrose Burnside, he also had his teeth kicked in by a non-existent country. Yep, at Fredericksburg ol’ Burnsie suffered one of the most lop-sided defeats in American military history, as the Union had 12,653 casualties to the Confederacy’s 5,377.

Much like the Alabama-Auburn rivalry going forward, this was one-sided domination by a military genius, aided by a complete incompetent leading the other side into battle.

Reports that Lee tea-bagged Burnside in his sleep the night after the battle are as of yet unconfirmed. Multiple attempts by Gump4Heisman to reach Burnside for comment were unsuccessful.

 

Carl Weathers v. Ivan Drago, Rocky IV

Throw in the goddam towel, Stallone. This one’s getting ridiculous.

Your buddy is getting pounded like a slutty Kappa. And it’s especially embarrassing considering that, just minutes beforehand, this same buddy was dancing like Tom Cruise on Oprah.

Seriously, in Rocky IV Carl Weathers gets beaten like an adolescent penis. Completely one-sided. Anyone else ever wondered ‘How the fuck did Carl Weathers train for this fight?’ By watching Lifetime and crying? For God’s sake, his trainer is Rocky Balboa. How did they both let it get to the point where he not only gets killed, he gets killed.

So let me get this straight, when Carl Weathers fights Rocky, Carl Weathers wins the first fight, and loses the second fight by one second. Yet when Carl Weathers and Rocky fight Russian dudes, Carl Weathers gets murdered in the 2^nd round and Rocky wins by TKO? What the fuck?

Anyways, the scene at the end of this one =’s Carl Weathers’ corpse lying face-down on the ground. Having back spasms.

 

Carl Weathers v. The Predator, Predator

In the 1980’s, Carl Weathers just couldn’t catch a break. Two years after being beaten to death by a 6’5” Communist with spiked hair, Carl Weathers runs afoul of an invisible 6’11” alien with dreads.

Ivan Drago? Shit, that was child’s play for Carl Weathers compared to this one. This time around, Carl Weathers has his arm exploded – mid machine-gun fire, mind you – by a red laser. Then Carl Weathers is impaled by an invisible bayonet, lifted into the air, and – presumably – has his skull and spine ripped from his lifeless body, only to be cleaned and stored in a treehouse.

Ouch. I’ll take a sweaty back-spasm death any day over this one.

 

Carl Weathers v. the alligator in Happy Gilmore, Happy Gilmore

Poor Carl Weathers. It’s one thing to die in a Sylvester Stallone movie. It’s another thing to die in an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. But kicking the can in an Adam Sandler movie? That just doesn’t happen unless you’re Carl Weathers.

Most people get in an Adam Sandler movie and the worst they suffer is critical rejection. Carl Weathers gets in an Adam Sandler movie and gets killed by a stuffed alligator. WTF?

List of people, since the history of time, who have been killed by stuffed alligators:

 

1)    Captain Hook

2)    Carl Weathers

 

What is it with Carl Weathers constantly losing body parts to dark-green creatures? Something tells me if Carl Weathers were in a Jurassic Park movie, he would have his balls clawed off by a raptor.

--------

 

Carl Weathers: “I tried to go to Auburn. But I couldn’t get the job.”

 

Happy Gilmore: “Why, because you were black?”

 

Carl Weathers: “Hell no, damned alligator bit my hand off!”

 

 

Q: "Magic 8-ball, does Bobby Lowder still refer to Muhammad Ali as “Cassius Clay”?"

A:

 

 

 

Greatest Hip-Hop Artists of All-Time

(As selected by Auburn University):

 

#3) Vanilla Ice

 

Vanilla Ice, and Jimmy Rayne, cook pounds of bacon on the reg.

 

 

#2) Aaron Carter

 

GOAT? Greatest. Of. All. Time? No one can speak on the realness of the streets like Aaron Fucking Carter. 

 

#1) Snow

 

"Informer!" (No, not Eric Ramsey.)

 

 

Fun With Numbers (& Gene Chizik):

 

Gene Chizik’s career record is 5-19. That’s a pretty good record if you’re trying to get laid, and a horrible record if you’re trying to coach football. In 2008, Gene Chizik went 2-10. Awesome. Let’s play Fun With Numbers!

 

2-10:

In 2006, Toronto Blue Jays pitcher Josh Towers went 2-10 with an 8.42 ERA, one of the worst seasons by a pitcher in MLB history. In 2007, he was voted #3 on the list of worst Blue Jays pitchers of all-time.

According to baseballreference.com, he was not subsequently offered a job at Auburn.

5-19:

In 1952, Detroit Tigers pitcher Virgil Trucks went 5-19. After the season, he found out he had been traded. By reading it in the newspaper.

Ironically, on Monday, that’s how most Auburn fans found out they were totally fucked.

 

Other famous 5-19’s:

 

May 19^th, 1994: Jackie Kennedy Onassis passes away. Coincidentally, the last time Auburn led the head-to-head series with Alabama was in 1963, the year her husband was assassinated in the head.

 

May 19^th, 1935: T.E. Lawrence, the real-life “Lawrence of Arabia,” is killed in a motorcycle wreck. Coincidentally, 73 years later Auburn Football would be killed in a train wreck.

 

May 19^th, 1536: Anne Boleyn, the 2^nd wife of Henry VIII, is beheaded. Interestingly, wives of Henry VIII have a higher success rate than head coach Gene Chizik. (2-out-of-6 (33%) vs. 5-out-of-24 (20.8%)). Way to go ladies!

 

DID YOU KNOW?

 

- If you multiply Gene Chizik’s winning percentage by four, it comes out to .832, which is 8 points higher than Paul “Bear” Bryant’s winning percentage at Alabama (.824). War Eagle!

 

- Tommy Tuberville was fired for winning 5 games. Gene Chizik was hired for winning 5 games.

 

- Nick Saban-Gene Chizik 2008 regular season win/loss differential: Saban (+12), Chizik (-8) = Nick Saban, +20.

- If Gene Chizik’s winning percentage (20.8) were a person, it would not be able to legally drink.

 

Gump4Heisman’s Guide to Surviving “The Great Procession”

A Handy Guide on How to Keep Your Job in a Post-Saban Era

We’re all worried.

You have to worry about the Dow Jones, you have to worry about the economy, and now you have to worry about 5’7” workaholics getting you fired.

In September 2007, Nick Saban coached his first game at Alabama. Flash forward 15 months, and nearly half the coaches in the SEC (5) have been fired. Ah, “The Process.” As far as SEC fanbases go, loved by one, hated by many.

What has happened to all these men?

What do you call it?

Sabanized?

Processed?

Those terms don’t capture the sheer breadth of the whole thing. This is massive. This is widespread. There is panic. There is fear. There is Saban.

We are, my friends, in the midst of The Great Procession.

 

But don’t fret. With Gump4Heisman’s handy guide to handling The Great Procession, you’ll learn how to deal with what’s happened, how to avoid the pitfalls, how to keep your job, as they say, “Safe from Saban,” and how to emulate the best to be the best.

----

 

People are dropping like flies. Is Saban going to come after us too? Are we all doomed? Should we all head out to Californee in search of free potato soup/internet?

Is the Post-Saban Apocalypse upon us?

Do not fear. To avoid being like the men pictured above, you can follow these simple steps.

WARNING: Gump4Heisman.com offers you no safe haven from Saban. In fact, you will probably be fired by Nick Saban 7-12 minutes after reading this Guide to Not Being Fired By Nick Saban. This Guide simply reduces the risk that Nick Saban is going to floss his teeth with your 401k. (Firing Probability before reading this article: 100%; Firing Probability after reading this article: 99.999%)

 

Step #1: Put “Black Wednesday” behind you.

Wednesday, January 3, 2007.

Or, as the rest of college football knows it, “Black Wednesday.”

Not The Day the Earth Stood Still.

The Day The Earth Paced Frantically And Didn’t Have Time For This Shit.

The day Nick Saban was hired. The day the SEC West crashed. The day every head coach in the Southeast had a Tony Soprano-like panic attack. People in Auburn, AL jumping from tall buildings. People in Baton Rouge, LA cursing the day. People in Tuscaloosa, AL having alcoholic parades.

Of course, many of us didn’t feel the effects of Black Wednesday until as recently as a few months ago. But now that those stockpiles of (blue) chips are down, now that you’ve gone through what you had left in the tank, it has begun.

The first step to moving on with your life is to put this day behind you.

Every time you think of January 3, 2007, Gump4Heisman advises bowing your head in remembrance and - above all - staying strong.

Unless you live in Tuscaloosa. In which case Gump4Heisman advises pouring a glass of champagne and having sex with your wife.

 

Step #2: Beware the rise of national demagogues.

Auburn, AL… listen up.

Everything has crashed. We know you have reached desperate times. Things indeed look bleak. But remember what happened in Germany. (Two words: Adolf. Hitler.)

Look, just because the walls are crumbling, just because the higher-ups ousted your trusted party leader in a military-coup, don’t put your trust into a smooth-talking false prophet. Next thing you know, you might hire a 33-year old with no resume.

Sure, he’ll rally you around a microphone and promise you everything you want to hear. He’ll yell and shout and clinch his fist, and you’ll be with him in every step. (‘Hail Der Kiffin!’)

He’ll point fingers at Uncle Nick and tell you he will take down the red & white armies. You’ll hail his name, rejoice, and hand him the keys to the empire. (‘For king, for country, for Rocky Top!’)

But the Armies of Saban are coming. Their recruitment will know no boundaries. Their star ratings will have no limits. Their arrows will blot out the sun.

And four years later, with the Armies of Saban surrounding your false prophet, he will realize the end is near… and put a bullet in his head before someone he trusts beats him to the punch.

 

Tip A: Calculating Deflation

With Saban in town, SEC win deflation is to be expected. 

Most SEC schools need only deduct one win per season, or - if you like - the total number of times you play Alabama per season. (For one (un)lucky SEC East team, this could mean twice/year.)

Auburn fans should use the following formula to deduct win deflation:

 

X = Saban

X > you.

 

If you aren’t math-handy (you did go to Auburn), in order to calculate the effect of Nick Saban on Auburn’s program, simply take this 2-question multiple-choice exam:

 

MULTIPLE CHOICE - Wh?

 

NICK SABAN; AUBURN FOOTBALL:

A) iceberg; Titanic

B) atomic bomb; WWII

C) shotgun; Kurt Cobain

D) 2008; the economy

E) Bear Bryant; Auburn football

 

 

In the 2008 Iron Bowl, Nick Saban heavily influenced which of the following Auburn scoring drives?

A)

B)

C)

D)

E) All of the above.

 

Tip B: Calculating Inflation

(This only applies to Tuscaloosa/University of Alabama fans.)

The formula for win inflation is as follows:

 

1. (sum of Shula * 2 = sum of Saban)

2. (deduct loss total from both columns)

3. (equalize columns)

4. (adjust trophy factor)

 

ex:

(6-6 (* 2) = 12-0)

6 * 2 = 12

12 = 12

12 = 13

 

"Why Nick Saban Should Never Smile"

The other day, I heard a lady say that since Alabama is undefeated and #1 in the country, she wished Nick Saban would smile every now and then.

I remember thinking at the time, ‘Bitch, is you crazy?’

Nick Saban, smile? Who could suggest such a thing?

Nick Saban should never, ever smile. 

Ever. 

The very thought of Nick Saban smiling is disastrous to humanity.

If you think that sounds crazy, think about the children.

What if a small child saw Nick Saban smile? While he was building a treehouse? And then what if he thought ‘Eh, I’ve done enough.’ And then what if he thought ‘I’m going to sit back and enjoy my treehouse.’ And then what if he tried to climb his unfinished treehouse and broke his leg?

Do you want small children to break their legs? Then don’t ask Nick Saban to smile.

 

What if a 5-star saw Nick Saban smile? He would probably turn into a 4-star. And then he would be content with that, until he turned into a 3-star. And then he would be content with that, until he turned into an Auburn commit.

If Nick Saban started smiling all the time, what’s to stop the Earth’s crops from slacking off and getting content? Huh? So the next time you’re eating your food and watching Sportscenter and you think, ‘That Nick Saban’s a jerk,’ you shut your mouth and be grateful for that potato.

Did you ever think maybe that’s what happened to Eddie Murphy? You know, he made Raw and Delirious and Beverly Hills Cop and Trading Places. And then he made Coming to America. And then Nick Saban probably went to see it. And during the movie, Nick Saban probably let up and smiled.

Poof: Pluto Nash.

Gump4Heisman's Retro Alabama Football Ad Campaign

Is it 1973? 1965? I'm confused. 'BAMA is #1. They're beating everyone. And in a lot of cases, it isn't even close. Sure, Gene Stallings put the Tide back on top in the '90's, but we haven't seen anything on this scale in... 30 years.

Inspired by the #1 Alabama Crimson Tide, the greatest television show since The Sopranos and my day job, Gump4Heisman.com has gone retro... advertising style.

Yep, when I'm not doing stand-up or not updating the site for three weeks, "the Gump" is coming up with ad ideas. Just like Don Draper. (Only with a lot less smoke, scotch and sex.)

So, why not combine the day job with the side gig? 

That's exactly what I did... and the result is a retro Alabama advertising gallery three weeks in the making.

Enjoy.

-------

PART I: Early-60's Ad Extravaganza

(CLICK IMAGES TO ENLARGE)

1) In honor of the man. Nick Draper.

2) Let the good times Roll.

3) Memo to little brother.

4) Memo to fat-ass (former) neighbor.

5) Memo to CBS.

6) Memo to 'Bama fans.

"Canned I Am" - A Poem from Phil Fulmer

Canned I am,

To my own ill.

Did you hear?

They canned Fat Phil.

 

I am canned.

Yes I am.

I am crying on the cam.

 

I am canned,

Canned I am.

I do not like it.

I love ham.

Do you like them without pause,

Do you like the UT Vols?

 

I do not like them,

Canned I am.

I do not like them,

Man-for-man.

I was canned by trustee troll.

I was canned by popular poll.

I was canned right from my goal.

I was canned right from my role.

I was canned from the job I stole.

 

Did you steal it,

Canned-I-am?

Did you steal it,

From within the fam?

 

I stole it just as I planned.

I stole it for two hundred grand.

I stole it before the UT band.

I stole it before the UT stands.

I stole it right from Johnny’s hands.

 

I stole it because I had the balls.

I stole it to coach the UT Vols.

 

 

Will you coach them in a bowl?

Will you coach them up the poll?

 

I will not coach them in a bowl,

I will not coach them up the poll.

I will not coach them in the rain.

I will not coach them in a game.

I will not coach them to a loss.

I will not coach them as the boss.

I will not coach them run the ball.

I will not coach them, not at all.

 

I would not, could not, win a game

I would not, could not, take the blame

I would not, could not, if I tried.

I would not, could not, so I cried.

 

I could not, could not, save my hide.

I could not, could not, stop the Tide.

 

I am not happy.

I am full of regret.

I am not hungry.

Is it Thanksgiving yet?